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Vacancies for friendship

The position for a new friend is now vacant! Since my last friendship didn't work out as I planned. So anyone can apply the only condition is that the applicants must fulfil all of the following requirements:
1) must be loyal.
2) must be able to take all the commands and process them.
3) talk to me when I want them to and shut up when I tell them to.
4) there should be no demand and no hopes for anything thing in return.
5) must be a firm believer of a one sided friend in need is a friend in deed!
I will hire you but first you can to go through the prohibition period if I like you, you're staying and we'll be best friends forever! And if I find that you're not the kind of person I want then you can go home!
Send me your CV along with the list of boyfriends and girlfriends you have so that I you're from the opposite gender I can make you my special one! 
If you're from my opposite gender and you're not interested in becoming my special one then I will stick around for a while until I can have a better option in sight!
I don't consider you a human with emotions, but I will get hurt if you ever dare to leave me without my consent. Because I am more human then you are. I have more emotions and more feelings. I can play with you like my newly bought toy and once I get bored I am throwing you out! Because only the finest must stay with me.
We are living in an era where there is no space for true love, friendship and emotions. All we want is an accessory in form of a human to keep around us until we can find someone better. Alas!
These are our friendship goals in 2018... Can't wait to see what is waiting for us in 2019.
RIP friendship.
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